Mademan.com is fucking terrible

Yes, you heard it here first folks - unless you'd happened to visit mademan.com and reached that conclusion yourself.
Unfortunately I keep getting drawn to this heap o' shit because they advertise on one of my favourite comedy websites and, knowing I'm going to be annoyed or irritated, I can't help visiting.


One regular contributor - let's call him Jordan Harbinger, for 'tis his name - thinks he's the shit when it comes to instilling a sense of self. In fact he has all the intellectual prowess of any dip-shit self-obsessed salesman that I've ever met but, irritating prick as he is, it doesn't necessarily make him wrong. [If his take on the situation really is correct, then we are fucked as a race.]


Maybe it's an age you reach, maybe it's a state of mind - but one day you realise that you just couldn't bear going to the effort of meeting someone new. If serendipity drops a honey into your lap then whoop-de-doo, but I were ever in the unfortunate position of being single again, I'd say "fuck this". Fuck your games, fuck your flirty text messages, fuck your cheeseball advice on "Oh no! I don't know whether she enjoys sex or not?!". Fuck everything infact, because everything's already fucked, infuckt.

Free censorship!

So, apparently there's a law in the United States that's got everyone's knickers in a twist. I've only just heard about it, but apparently it's called SOPA - the Stop Online Piracy Act - and is intended to... actually I don't know, because I can't be bothered to Google it.

One chap - who shall remain nameless lest I give him any further publicity - has uploaded a video to youtube in which he claims that the major media corporations are responsible for developing and distributing software that allows file sharing. He may have a point - hell, he might even be 100% correct - but here's the rub: The world is full of ranting conspiracy theorists who believe the US government is attempting to take over the internet - one more, no matter how well his evidence is supported, is going to be taken seriously.

There's also another point. The government doesn't want to take over the internet, for the following reasons:

1. It'd very, very difficult and the government really isn't that bright
2. They really can't be fucking bothered


One more question: At what point did people start becoming so chicken-shit? Here's a hypothetical conversation that probably wouldn't happen these days:

"Hey, you downloaded something illegally so now we will fine you $100m!"
"Oh, no problem - because I have $100m right in my back pocket. Oh no, sorry - it's actually my middle finger. Now fuck off."

When will people realise that laws become moot when everyone breaks them. Take the speed limit - if people wanted to raise the speed limit, all 90% of drivers would have to do is speed until they lost their licence. Suddenly everyone would lose their jobs and the subsequent loss of tax revenue would force a change in the law.

Not that I'm condoning people do that. Nor I'm condoning you don't do it either... Please, just go and think for yourselves based on the evidence in front of you.

The rub

There are many annoying things about being unemployed. The regular trip to the job centre, the form filling and the constant badgering by family and friends ("What is it you're looking for?" "Did you see this in the paper?" "How's the job search going" - "Really, thanks for your concern but it'd be much easier if you just FUCK OFF"). All tremendously irksome, but surely one of the most annoying aspects is showing enthusiasm for jobs one does not want.

I only have two modes - angry and dead. Having to try and pretend that I really want a career in retail (which I don't) or that I'm the only person good capable of doing it (which I'm not) goes beyond galling - it's downright confusing.

I've done enough recruitment to know that most entry-level roles can be done by most people. As long as your spelling's not too bad, your maths is acceptable and you're not a major-league asshole, it's largely a piece of piss. If only the rest of the world understood that.

Bag of shit website

Today's beef is with 'top ten' websites - you know the sort, cheap bags of shit covered with adverts for things to make you feel better about your pathetic life. Mostly drafted by drunk students or out-of-work journalists, they are one of the many festering turds the internet commonly deposits on our lives.

Some of them - though I'm buggered if I can remember which - are pretty funny. Some of them are like MSN.com, which lack anything in the way of originality or entertainment.
I came across one such site this morning called Mademan.com, which contained all the de rigueur shit, but one article in particular really got up my nose:

http://www.mademan.com/5-compliments-women-dont-hear-enough/

One particular piece of cunt-drool stands out:

"Compliments don’t come in short supply for most women. But, face it, quality compliments can be scarce. Maybe it’s the fragile male ego, or male insecurity that makes it so tough for many men to see women for what they really are, complex human beings with a lot to offer."


It's not that men are insecure or egotistic - we just don't care. 


Even if you can get over the "Oh no, my boyfriend doesn't compliment me enough!" [Boo-hoo you whining bitch. Go slurp on a quim if it bothers you that much; no-one's making you stay here and make the place look untidy] crap, the actual suggestions are even more stupid:


1. Their brains
2. Personal achievement
3. Her style
4. The way she takes care of you
5. Her parenting


I've dated a few women and I can say for certain that complimenting a woman on one or two will sound utterly patronising; number three will make you sound gay, number four makes you a lazy pussy and number five will make her think you want a divorce.


So, in one fell swoop we have gone from "shit site dispensing obvious advice" to "shit site dispensing bad advice". Though anyone stupid enough to believe the shit growing in this festering garden of intelligence-cancer probably deserves everything they get.

Why the left can go fuck itself

Regular readers of my blog - i.e. No one - will know that I can't stand left wingers, and this morning I saw something that went a long way to reinforce this belief:

Now, I actually find this quite funny - the slogan is pithy and, for a cartoon, the girl is hot enough to bang one out over. It does however make some assumptions that, in addition to being plain wrong, are also exceedingly arrogant.

The first is that there's some massive government conspiracy against the people. (Believe me, there really isn't. If you need further proof, take a look at the people in charge and ask yourself, honestly, if you think they're capable of coordinating a cross-generational international conspiracy.)

Second, that the public - especially right wingers - are either evil or dupes. It's like no-one can look at the arguments and come to the objective conclusion that right is "better" than left. No - if you choose to disagree with the tenets of socialism, you are to be pitied.

The final point I wish to challenge is the assumption that people aren't happy being controlled. Most people want to live their lives in peace and comfort. As long as there's gas in the tank and food in the fridge the rest of the world can go fuck itself - because humans are ultimately selfish, thoughtless beings. Is that wrong? Well that depends very much on your perspective - it's certainly not mine, but then not everyone is the same.

Now, I'm off to spank the monkey over that typist.

King of the bullshit munchers

I love watching geeks ranting at eachother about the relevance and value of their shitty internet start-up, having failed to grasp the fundamental point:

A product or service is only worth what people are willing to pay for it, fucker.

How is Facebook valued at billions of dollars? If it disappeared tomorrow, would anyone give a shit by Christmas Day? Not fucking likely. Would the world suffer if Twitter were to disappear up its own anus? Pah.

There are three essential jobs - farmer, builder and water-carrier. Everything else is just a different shade of bullshit.
End of story.

Recruitment agencies are cunt-havens

I've had my fill of fucking recruitment agents today.

Most of them are too fucking retarded to do real jobs, but somehow still successfully manage to fuck my life about.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR.

Perfect porn?

So, I figured out a while ago that surely the perfect porn for straight men would feature:

One Woman
One Transexual

That was you get all the pleasure of hetro intercourse/blowjobs/ass-fucking with the thrill of lesbianism.

This could well be what I do with the rest of my life.

Darwinism at its best

So, I'm something of a fan of natural selection. In a world where sentiment is driving society to preserve its least productive members, it's refreshing to hear the ways in which stupid people cut themselves out of the gene pool *.

I don't know whether these two dumb bitches ever made it to the finals of the Darwin awards, but surely they're regional contenders:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-12447319

Let me make this clear: ANYONE THAT'S STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP A LOCKED LEVEL-CROSSING GETS EVERYTHING THEY FUCKING DESERVE.

Seriously, if this had been one of my kids I would not have the cheek to try and prosecute the rail company. I'm objective enough to know that it's not the job of a private firm to protect my kids from their own fucking brainlessness - furthermore, I'd be too embarrassed to admit that I bought up a child with nothing in their head but shit.

(* FTR, I'm not some sort of nazi - genocide is not only beyond moral reprehension, it's also a great way of cutting down genetic diversity and therefore counter-productive to the human race. Just one more reason why Hitler was a fucking douche)

If privacy is for paedos, then transparency is for voyeurs

In the grand scheme of things, there isn't much that ranks below a tabloid journalist - aside perhaps from a tabloid editor. Paul McMullan surely rates as one of the prize cunts of the newspaper age, a fact compounded by his appearance yesterday at the Leveson enquiry.


There is coverage enough on what he said and did - my beef is with the specific point that privacy only ever seems to apply to those matters of which we are ashamed. To an extent, I think he has a point - but what I can't fathom is what right he thinks the public has in knowing the ins and outs of someone's affairs.




What this prick and his associates have done is to give the public what they want - an exceedingly idiotic manoeuvre given the public are invariably fickle, judgemental, hypocritical and stupid - under false pretences. This wasn't altruism, it was a cynical ploy to prize cash from its readers in exchange for salacious gossip. It's fuckers like McMullan that give capitalism a worse name than it deserves.


Even if it were genuine, this hypothetical example shows why the 'public interest' debate is weak:


Politician A is a successful minister who's reigned in spending and improved his department's efficiency. Out of the office he's been having an affair with a neighbour, which is subsequently leaked to hacks. Society's (entirely hypocritical) view on the virtues of monogamy may well cost him his job - no matter how well he excels at it. No crime has been committed, no-one hurt outside of the immediate parties - yet the man, and potentially the country, will suffer as a result. And it doesn't have to be an affair - just something that makes the public go "Hmm. I didn't think he was like that."  (And if you think 'being gay' is above that, think again.)


We're not talking about law breaking - that's handled in the court thank goodness - but someone's right to go about their business without dealing with society's judgement.


McMullan went on to say "in 21 years of invading people's privacy I've never found anybody doing any good". One might reasonably argue that, given the News of the Screws wasn't falling over itself to reveal its phone tapping activities, he speaks the absolute truth. 


We live in an age where everyone seems desperate to spill the ins and outs of their affairs - not only is it  improper, it's dangerous. Even if you trust the government (which many, for good reason, don't) there are domestic and foreign criminals able to exploit your details, your hobbies and your tastes. Claiming that nothing should be off-limits is an invitation to... well, something awful.


McMullan and his kind are nasty little voyeurs - and the public should pull its collective head out of its collective ass and kick 'em into touch.

And the winner of "most irrelevant article" goes to...

The Independent! Congratulations!

http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/pan-am-glam-you-must-be-off-your-trolley-6262752.html


To save anyone (i.e. no one) reading it, the gist is as follows:

'Working for an airline is shit now that poor people can afford to fly.'

No fucking shit, Sherlock. Anyone who's been to an airport in the last twenty years knows that flying is about as glamorous as a bottle of WKD Blue.

But guess what? A lot's changed over the past 50 years - architecture, cars, healthcare, education - so what was the point of writing the damn thing in the first place? It has to be the second most pointless thing on the internet - this blog entry being the first.

The secret of men

I have to hand it to Paulina Gretsky, she knows how to make the most of her assets.

Despite having a petite bust and a face like a bag of spanners, she's somehow managed to convince the world that she's a hottie. As the nations' masturbators come together to bemoan the loss of her partially-clothed Twitter account, there's a lesson for ladies to learn:

Men don't give a damn what you look like if you're prepared to take your clothes off.

Seriously. Chances are, we'll still fuck you even if we don't like you.

I love to see Guardian readers cry

Not only are they invariably easily-riled but their arguments are usually fatuous, hypercritical nonsense. Once again, someone had the temerity to mention Thatcher on the Guardian website and within moments the ranting had begun.

Now, though I'm a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, I'm not Thatcher's biggest fan. She did some things right, she did some things wrong - whatever. She's actually superfluous to my argument. What's funny is that the left are under this bizarre illusion that the world was full of daisies and snow flakes before May 1979. Which I suppose it was if you ignore the three-day-week, loan from the IMF, widespread union corruption and a prevalence of bad, bad clothing.

In a word, it was Shit - shit being British, shit owning a business, shit trying to get anything the fuck done. So many of the left's movers are shakers  - especially the bastion of cuntdom that's sprung up round Whoreditch - are in the fortunate position where they do not remember the 1970s. Fuck, a lot of them have trouble remembering the first CD players. It's just rubbish, recycled musings of knackered unionists who didn't know what they fuck they were talking about thirty years ago, let alone now.

Now, as I said earlier, I'm hardly Thatcher's biggest fan, but one indisputable point stands out. It's the profligacy of the left in the 70s that led to the rise of radical conservatism: the left, in short, are responsible for Thatcher.

In the same way, the tories are also responsible for Blair in 97 - and so the crass merry-go-round of human existence continues.

God, I hate humans.

Anti-social media

It's hard to say what I hate most about social media, since there are so many potential things that irritate the living  fucking shit out of me.

First are the people that tend to use it. Bright, perky young things with over-indulgent parents who like to spread messages of hope and equality. They're the kind of people who wept when Steve Jobs died of ego cancer, or strike up conversations with beggars.

Second is the shit that they invariably spout. A great example I saw on Shitter lately was:

"Everyone is beautiful"

Er... not technically true, is it? If everyone is beautiful, then by definition beautiful is ordinary and therefore by extension, everyone is ordinary. Good observation, cuntchops. Maybe you should stand for mayor so the nutters can have someone to shoot at. If they'd said:

"Everyone is a massive cunt"

then they'd be a lot more on the money. [At least it's true: Islamic fundamentalists hate everyone who's not an Islamic fundamentalist; Christian fundamentalists work by the same logic. Ergo, someone, somewhere, thinks you're a cunt.]

Finally is the fact that they think anyone cares. ("Ahhhh!" I hear you cry. "But what about your indulgent, profane rants?" Well, here's the rub, fucker: I'm probably the only one reading this - and I don't give a sparrow's pissflap.)
I've done a comprehensive survey and nearly all social media is utter bollocks. The remaining 1% are hot teens making out, which I find is nearly (but not quite) worth putting up with the remaining 99%.

If I still haven't convinced you, here's my final argument:

Do you really believe this guy ever had enough friends to bother starting Facebook?

What a cunt.

Love the gays...

But hate their sloganeering. Take this piece of pointless posturing:

Very right on. Very in-your-face. Very we're-here-we're-queer - but what's the fucking point? If you like homosexuals then you won't care. If you hate homosexuals then you'll just be irritated more. If, like me, you don't give a damn who or what someone fucks, then you'll just be left bewildered. It's nothing but a "Ha ha, the law is on our side, we won!" statement. To be honest, I thought stonewall would have had better things on which to spend their money.


Not surprisingly, Facefuck is also getting in on the act. One group I've seen, called Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook <sic> delights in removing so-called Hate pages from the site. Maybe I move in the wrong circles, but I've never seen homophobic pages on Facebook - and if I was the kind of person to go looking for them, would I be put off by a bunch of homos calling me a meanie? Doubtful, very doubtful.
I should explain now that I am wholeheartedly pro-equality - I don't give a rat's ass if you're gay, straight, transgender, transvestite, transatlantic, black, white, asian, inuit, aboriginal. What I do care about is someone telling joe public that it should be more tolerant. 
Fuck you. Who are you to tell me what prejudices I may or may not have? If you have the right to express your sexuality, then other people have the right to express their opposition - freedom of speech works two ways, fucker. 


As always, it's the vocal ones that make life difficult for others. I have no documentary evidence, but I'm willing to bet that there are millions of homosexuals out there who are sick of being defined by their sexuality. They want to go to work, go home again and fuck who they want without being labelled. By ramming your sexuality down people's throats - no pun intended - all you're doing is alienating the moderates. Do that at your fucking peril.


The one good thing to have come out of all this is this phrase:

I WAS BORN GAY.

WERE YOU BORN HATEFUL?

Er... Yeah, as it happens.

Can't say I'm surprised

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-15606278

It's a well known fact that most people from the south west drive like absolute cunts.

Bridget Jones is a cunt. Discuss.

ITV put Bridget Jones II on the other night (for what must have been at least the third time this year) and I came to a conclusion that should be inescapable, yet had not occurred to me over the past seven years:

Bridget Jones doesn't deserve the happy ending.

Why? Well, let's see:

• She's so stupid that she's known in PR circles for being stupid. This surely makes her one of the densest human beings in existence.
• She's wracked with insecurities entirely of her own making. "Oh no, I'm so fat - if only I could put down this fork and get my saggy ass on a treadmill". Boo fucking hoo, get over yourself you stupid whore.
• Her friends really are totally and utterly awful; emotional wrecks lacking direction, intellect and awareness - but still she listens to their advice.
• She assumes she deserves a kind, considerate and preferably rich boyfriend. She doesn't - she has nothing to offer aside from cellulite, neuroses and a well-used vagina. 

She is literally good for fucking, then leaving to drown in tears/to be eaten by alsatians.

Yet, despite all these obvious flaws, people identify with her and love her.

Well here's the news: if you see a bit of Bridget Jones in yourself, you should really try and sort your life out, because you're a fucking loser.
Seriously.

Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 3

Surely the third winner has to be Zoosk, the site where boring, overweight women go to mingle with sexual predators.

Luckily for us, Zoosk has given us plenty of ammo. Check out each and every one of their irritating offerings on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/zoosk

Now, most of them aren't very funny - which believe it or not, I can live with. In the grand scheme of things, not much is actually funny, and even then some things that are funny now will probably not be funny in years to come. To prove it, I have some lists:

Things that were funny once but are now annoying

• Bill Hicks
• Gilbert & Sullivan
• Carry On Films

Things that are funny now, but will be annoying in the future

• How I Met Your Mother
• Mock The Week
• Total Wipeout

Things that will always be funny

• Old people falling over
• Pull My Finger
• Leprosy

Things that are not, were not, nor ever will be funny

• Shakespeare
• Jon Stewart
• Zoosk commercials

As I said however, I can let this go.

What I can't let go is when adverts don't make sense. Take this pitiful example:

So, to summarise the plot:

1. Hot Girl has Office Crush
2. Hot Girl seduces Office Crush by letting her hair down
3. Hot Girl and Office Crush fuck in the copyroom.

Er... So why the fuck does she need a dating site? At what point did the plan not live up to her expectation? Does Office Crush suffer from erectile dysfunction? Didn't look like it. Maybe he shits himself on achieving orgasm.

I don't know what the fuck's going on with their perverted voyeuristic colleagues either. If I knew my coworkers were going at it hammer and tongs in the next room, I'd be too embarrassed to still be there when they came out, stinking of sweat and spunk (And the "British" dub makes even less sense than the American one).

All in all, I feel there is only one reasonable conclusion:

This advert is made by cunts for cunts.

Politics comes down to one question

Do you think you can spend your money better than your government can?

There is no "correct" answer of course; politics is as subjective, fickle and self-interested as the human race.

Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 2

The second award goes to the new Citroen ad - the one with the bald man at the petrol station and the cunt with the pugs.

I'm going to ignore the fact that this an advert for a French car; though the product may be shit, it doesn't necessarily follow that the advert should be.

First, it's trading on computer-animated animals to sell an unrelated product. Tell me who, if they're not completely honest, hasn't had enough of fucking meerkats? The goodwill holiday is over, the ahh-factor has expired. It's not cute anymore.

Second, is the irritating fucker delivering the monologue. His stream of meaningless fuck-witted cunt-banter sets my fucking teeth on edge - if this guy came up to you on the street you'd strike him without hesitation.

I'm sure there are more things that annoy me, but the rugby world cup final's on.
So fuck it.