Bridget Jones is a cunt. Discuss.

ITV put Bridget Jones II on the other night (for what must have been at least the third time this year) and I came to a conclusion that should be inescapable, yet had not occurred to me over the past seven years:

Bridget Jones doesn't deserve the happy ending.

Why? Well, let's see:

• She's so stupid that she's known in PR circles for being stupid. This surely makes her one of the densest human beings in existence.
• She's wracked with insecurities entirely of her own making. "Oh no, I'm so fat - if only I could put down this fork and get my saggy ass on a treadmill". Boo fucking hoo, get over yourself you stupid whore.
• Her friends really are totally and utterly awful; emotional wrecks lacking direction, intellect and awareness - but still she listens to their advice.
• She assumes she deserves a kind, considerate and preferably rich boyfriend. She doesn't - she has nothing to offer aside from cellulite, neuroses and a well-used vagina. 

She is literally good for fucking, then leaving to drown in tears/to be eaten by alsatians.

Yet, despite all these obvious flaws, people identify with her and love her.

Well here's the news: if you see a bit of Bridget Jones in yourself, you should really try and sort your life out, because you're a fucking loser.
Seriously.

Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 3

Surely the third winner has to be Zoosk, the site where boring, overweight women go to mingle with sexual predators.

Luckily for us, Zoosk has given us plenty of ammo. Check out each and every one of their irritating offerings on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/zoosk

Now, most of them aren't very funny - which believe it or not, I can live with. In the grand scheme of things, not much is actually funny, and even then some things that are funny now will probably not be funny in years to come. To prove it, I have some lists:

Things that were funny once but are now annoying

• Bill Hicks
• Gilbert & Sullivan
• Carry On Films

Things that are funny now, but will be annoying in the future

• How I Met Your Mother
• Mock The Week
• Total Wipeout

Things that will always be funny

• Old people falling over
• Pull My Finger
• Leprosy

Things that are not, were not, nor ever will be funny

• Shakespeare
• Jon Stewart
• Zoosk commercials

As I said however, I can let this go.

What I can't let go is when adverts don't make sense. Take this pitiful example:

So, to summarise the plot:

1. Hot Girl has Office Crush
2. Hot Girl seduces Office Crush by letting her hair down
3. Hot Girl and Office Crush fuck in the copyroom.

Er... So why the fuck does she need a dating site? At what point did the plan not live up to her expectation? Does Office Crush suffer from erectile dysfunction? Didn't look like it. Maybe he shits himself on achieving orgasm.

I don't know what the fuck's going on with their perverted voyeuristic colleagues either. If I knew my coworkers were going at it hammer and tongs in the next room, I'd be too embarrassed to still be there when they came out, stinking of sweat and spunk (And the "British" dub makes even less sense than the American one).

All in all, I feel there is only one reasonable conclusion:

This advert is made by cunts for cunts.

Politics comes down to one question

Do you think you can spend your money better than your government can?

There is no "correct" answer of course; politics is as subjective, fickle and self-interested as the human race.

Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 2

The second award goes to the new Citroen ad - the one with the bald man at the petrol station and the cunt with the pugs.

I'm going to ignore the fact that this an advert for a French car; though the product may be shit, it doesn't necessarily follow that the advert should be.

First, it's trading on computer-animated animals to sell an unrelated product. Tell me who, if they're not completely honest, hasn't had enough of fucking meerkats? The goodwill holiday is over, the ahh-factor has expired. It's not cute anymore.

Second, is the irritating fucker delivering the monologue. His stream of meaningless fuck-witted cunt-banter sets my fucking teeth on edge - if this guy came up to you on the street you'd strike him without hesitation.

I'm sure there are more things that annoy me, but the rugby world cup final's on.
So fuck it.

The difference between love and hate...

is the amount of effort to shoot down an argument of a left-winger.

Example:

I love people like Tony Benn. As Matthew Paris once said - and I'm paraphrasing slightly - "He's a politician of unquestionable intelligence and integrity. However, just about everything he's ever said is wrong."
I hate people like Bob Crow. As Matthew Paris did almost certainly not say (but I'm willing to bet he's thought it) "He's one of the most odious, greedy and hypocritical cunts ever to be born in the UK. Please put him in charge for a day so the public will be clamouring for Thatcher's return."

I've put the difference into an equation:

Gentleman + Idiocy = Friendly duffer
Scum + Idiocy = Twat (and I mean that in the literal sense; a smelly, sweaty hole)


I've just seen someone - probably the kind of slack-brained fuck-jaws currently encamped by St Paul's - use the phrase "take the money out of politics".
What I've done is to take that phrase and feed it into our patented 'stupid-o-meter' - and here are the results...

Congratulations! You're a twat of the first order. Help yourself to a razor and put yourself out of our misery.

Let's take a moment to analyse that statement. "Take the money out of politics". Er, do you mean the front end or the back end? Not that it really matters - both ideas are, to quote Aristotle, "ramblings of a fucking bell-end."

First things fucking first - the front end:

You pay MPs pittance and soon no fucker can afford to stand - apart, of course, from the very rich, or trade union puppets. Suddenly your golden image of democracy isn't so fucking shiny is it? No, of course MPs should not get so much that the money is a direct incentive to seek election - but it shouldn't be a disincentive either.

Remember also that polarised forces tend to result in extreme consequences - the last time Europe had such adversarial forces at work, we ended up having two fucking world wars. [Not that I give a shit - if my call-up papers came tomorrow I'd do my duty like a man, not hide in the shadows like a whining bitch.]


And now, the back end.

The primary role of government - above health, education, policing, infrastructure - is to defend the nation from attack from a foreign aggressor. If you can't do that, you don't have a nation. The requires money, which forms the second role of government - taxation.

QED, money plays a pretty fucking significant part in this whole scheme. Take it away and suddenly all you're left with is a massive group of tent-dwelling cunts filling our capital with their utterly ill-conceived nonsense.



The thing that bugs me most is that these people fail to understand that, despite the problems we're currently going through, this is still the best time to live in history. Anyone who hankers after a golden age where nothing bad ever happens needs to take off the rose-tinted fucking lenses.

In 2011 you're less likely to die before the age of 5 than your ancestors of a century ago. You're more likely to have access to clean water, food, education, the protection of the law. You're more likely to have the right to protest in relative peace and practice your religion free from persecution. (Unless you happen to be a Jew living in a Muslim country. Good luck getting the support of the left on that set of double-fucking standards)

As I've shown in this post, any fucker can whinge. If you really want to change the world, get off your stoned fucking ass and do it.

Whenever I think of Mr Bojangles...

....he has the face of Scatman Crothers.

Weird.

Adverts that make my shit hang sideways

Part 1.  John Lewis

You know the one - the montage of irritating fuckers listening to music throughout the last fifty years. For those of you lucky enough to have missed this festering piece of fucking shit, here it is:

Everything about this advert gets up my fucking arsehole.

The white kid dancing with the black kid in the street. The cafe where it's smokey even though there's no-one smoking. The fat teacher with the shit-eating grin. The woman on the lilo listening to Sade.

Let me be clear:

FUCK SADE.

And then at the end - a couple of chavs listening to generic pop shite before trying to get off - all whilst their hairy, mannish mother lurks in the background.

John Lewis is one of the few chain stores where you can be fairly sure about the quality of their stock - but I hate this advert so much, I'm almost tempted to impose a permanent self-boycott. This pains me, for they sell decent rugby shirts and reasonably elegant furniture - but if I hear fucking #Smooth operator# one more time, I'm going to take my fat wallet elsewhere .

God works in mysterious ways

Though sometimes His motives are far more transparent:


"[David Croft] created a television pilot in 2007, entitled Here Comes The Queen, with Jeremy Lloyd. This pilot starred Wendy Richard and Les Dennis, but because of Wendy Richard's death the show never went to a full series."


Talk about the nick of time, eh? It's just a pity he didn't come to claim Messrs. Perry and Croft before Hi-de-cunting-Hi!

Hey, I got you a present

"Yeah, it's season 7 of Waterloo Road!"

"Er, thanks... it'll go nicely with the Birds Of A Feather box set you bought me last year."


I mean holy living fuck man, who in God's name actually buys this fucking shit?

Let's overlook the fact that it makes Two Pints of Piss and a Packet of Johnnies look like fucking Tolstoy. Let's even overlook the fact that it stars Amanda Burton, whose acting has been linked to a long string of suicides. What genuinely confuses me is that people buy DVDs for the replay value - because you think you'll want to watch it again and again in the years to come.

The Godfather trilogy? Awesome. Mad Men? I get it. Even the Friends boxed set possesses some degree of nostalgic, kitsch quality that just about justifies its existence. What went through the minds of the BBC when they committed this to disc? Who exactly did they think wanted repeat viewings of a drama set in a shitty comp?

The only thing I am sure of is this: If you're unlucky enough to find a copy of Waterloo Road under your tree on Christmas morning, someone is trying to convey a strong, yet simple message.

"Merry fucking Christmas - you massive cunt".