I love watching geeks ranting at eachother about the relevance and value of their shitty internet start-up, having failed to grasp the fundamental point:
A product or service is only worth what people are willing to pay for it, fucker.
How is Facebook valued at billions of dollars? If it disappeared tomorrow, would anyone give a shit by Christmas Day? Not fucking likely. Would the world suffer if Twitter were to disappear up its own anus? Pah.
There are three essential jobs - farmer, builder and water-carrier. Everything else is just a different shade of bullshit.
End of story.
Tuesday 20 December 2011
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Recruitment agencies are cunt-havens
I've had my fill of fucking recruitment agents today.
Most of them are too fucking retarded to do real jobs, but somehow still successfully manage to fuck my life about.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR.
Most of them are too fucking retarded to do real jobs, but somehow still successfully manage to fuck my life about.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR.
Perfect porn?
So, I figured out a while ago that surely the perfect porn for straight men would feature:
One Woman
One Transexual
That was you get all the pleasure of hetro intercourse/blowjobs/ass-fucking with the thrill of lesbianism.
This could well be what I do with the rest of my life.
One Woman
One Transexual
That was you get all the pleasure of hetro intercourse/blowjobs/ass-fucking with the thrill of lesbianism.
This could well be what I do with the rest of my life.
Monday 5 December 2011
Darwinism at its best
So, I'm something of a fan of natural selection. In a world where sentiment is driving society to preserve its least productive members, it's refreshing to hear the ways in which stupid people cut themselves out of the gene pool *.
I don't know whether these two dumb bitches ever made it to the finals of the Darwin awards, but surely they're regional contenders:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-12447319
Let me make this clear: ANYONE THAT'S STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP A LOCKED LEVEL-CROSSING GETS EVERYTHING THEY FUCKING DESERVE.
Seriously, if this had been one of my kids I would not have the cheek to try and prosecute the rail company. I'm objective enough to know that it's not the job of a private firm to protect my kids from their own fucking brainlessness - furthermore, I'd be too embarrassed to admit that I bought up a child with nothing in their head but shit.
(* FTR, I'm not some sort of nazi - genocide is not only beyond moral reprehension, it's also a great way of cutting down genetic diversity and therefore counter-productive to the human race. Just one more reason why Hitler was a fucking douche)
I don't know whether these two dumb bitches ever made it to the finals of the Darwin awards, but surely they're regional contenders:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-12447319
Let me make this clear: ANYONE THAT'S STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP A LOCKED LEVEL-CROSSING GETS EVERYTHING THEY FUCKING DESERVE.
Seriously, if this had been one of my kids I would not have the cheek to try and prosecute the rail company. I'm objective enough to know that it's not the job of a private firm to protect my kids from their own fucking brainlessness - furthermore, I'd be too embarrassed to admit that I bought up a child with nothing in their head but shit.
(* FTR, I'm not some sort of nazi - genocide is not only beyond moral reprehension, it's also a great way of cutting down genetic diversity and therefore counter-productive to the human race. Just one more reason why Hitler was a fucking douche)
Thursday 1 December 2011
If privacy is for paedos, then transparency is for voyeurs
In the grand scheme of things, there isn't much that ranks below a tabloid journalist - aside perhaps from a tabloid editor. Paul McMullan surely rates as one of the prize cunts of the newspaper age, a fact compounded by his appearance yesterday at the Leveson enquiry.
There is coverage enough on what he said and did - my beef is with the specific point that privacy only ever seems to apply to those matters of which we are ashamed. To an extent, I think he has a point - but what I can't fathom is what right he thinks the public has in knowing the ins and outs of someone's affairs.
What this prick and his associates have done is to give the public what they want - an exceedingly idiotic manoeuvre given the public are invariably fickle, judgemental, hypocritical and stupid - under false pretences. This wasn't altruism, it was a cynical ploy to prize cash from its readers in exchange for salacious gossip. It's fuckers like McMullan that give capitalism a worse name than it deserves.
Even if it were genuine, this hypothetical example shows why the 'public interest' debate is weak:
Politician A is a successful minister who's reigned in spending and improved his department's efficiency. Out of the office he's been having an affair with a neighbour, which is subsequently leaked to hacks. Society's (entirely hypocritical) view on the virtues of monogamy may well cost him his job - no matter how well he excels at it. No crime has been committed, no-one hurt outside of the immediate parties - yet the man, and potentially the country, will suffer as a result. And it doesn't have to be an affair - just something that makes the public go "Hmm. I didn't think he was like that." (And if you think 'being gay' is above that, think again.)
We're not talking about law breaking - that's handled in the court thank goodness - but someone's right to go about their business without dealing with society's judgement.
McMullan went on to say "in 21 years of invading people's privacy I've never found anybody doing any good". One might reasonably argue that, given the News of the Screws wasn't falling over itself to reveal its phone tapping activities, he speaks the absolute truth.
We live in an age where everyone seems desperate to spill the ins and outs of their affairs - not only is it improper, it's dangerous. Even if you trust the government (which many, for good reason, don't) there are domestic and foreign criminals able to exploit your details, your hobbies and your tastes. Claiming that nothing should be off-limits is an invitation to... well, something awful.
McMullan and his kind are nasty little voyeurs - and the public should pull its collective head out of its collective ass and kick 'em into touch.
There is coverage enough on what he said and did - my beef is with the specific point that privacy only ever seems to apply to those matters of which we are ashamed. To an extent, I think he has a point - but what I can't fathom is what right he thinks the public has in knowing the ins and outs of someone's affairs.
What this prick and his associates have done is to give the public what they want - an exceedingly idiotic manoeuvre given the public are invariably fickle, judgemental, hypocritical and stupid - under false pretences. This wasn't altruism, it was a cynical ploy to prize cash from its readers in exchange for salacious gossip. It's fuckers like McMullan that give capitalism a worse name than it deserves.
Even if it were genuine, this hypothetical example shows why the 'public interest' debate is weak:
Politician A is a successful minister who's reigned in spending and improved his department's efficiency. Out of the office he's been having an affair with a neighbour, which is subsequently leaked to hacks. Society's (entirely hypocritical) view on the virtues of monogamy may well cost him his job - no matter how well he excels at it. No crime has been committed, no-one hurt outside of the immediate parties - yet the man, and potentially the country, will suffer as a result. And it doesn't have to be an affair - just something that makes the public go "Hmm. I didn't think he was like that." (And if you think 'being gay' is above that, think again.)
We're not talking about law breaking - that's handled in the court thank goodness - but someone's right to go about their business without dealing with society's judgement.
McMullan went on to say "in 21 years of invading people's privacy I've never found anybody doing any good". One might reasonably argue that, given the News of the Screws wasn't falling over itself to reveal its phone tapping activities, he speaks the absolute truth.
We live in an age where everyone seems desperate to spill the ins and outs of their affairs - not only is it improper, it's dangerous. Even if you trust the government (which many, for good reason, don't) there are domestic and foreign criminals able to exploit your details, your hobbies and your tastes. Claiming that nothing should be off-limits is an invitation to... well, something awful.
McMullan and his kind are nasty little voyeurs - and the public should pull its collective head out of its collective ass and kick 'em into touch.
Wednesday 30 November 2011
And the winner of "most irrelevant article" goes to...
The Independent! Congratulations!
http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/pan-am-glam-you-must-be-off-your-trolley-6262752.html
To save anyone (i.e. no one) reading it, the gist is as follows:
No fucking shit, Sherlock. Anyone who's been to an airport in the last twenty years knows that flying is about as glamorous as a bottle of WKD Blue.
But guess what? A lot's changed over the past 50 years - architecture, cars, healthcare, education - so what was the point of writing the damn thing in the first place? It has to be the second most pointless thing on the internet - this blog entry being the first.
http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/pan-am-glam-you-must-be-off-your-trolley-6262752.html
To save anyone (i.e. no one) reading it, the gist is as follows:
'Working for an airline is shit now that poor people can afford to fly.'
No fucking shit, Sherlock. Anyone who's been to an airport in the last twenty years knows that flying is about as glamorous as a bottle of WKD Blue.
But guess what? A lot's changed over the past 50 years - architecture, cars, healthcare, education - so what was the point of writing the damn thing in the first place? It has to be the second most pointless thing on the internet - this blog entry being the first.
The secret of men
I have to hand it to Paulina Gretsky, she knows how to make the most of her assets.
Despite having a petite bust and a face like a bag of spanners, she's somehow managed to convince the world that she's a hottie. As the nations' masturbators come together to bemoan the loss of her partially-clothed Twitter account, there's a lesson for ladies to learn:
Men don't give a damn what you look like if you're prepared to take your clothes off.
Seriously. Chances are, we'll still fuck you even if we don't like you.
Despite having a petite bust and a face like a bag of spanners, she's somehow managed to convince the world that she's a hottie. As the nations' masturbators come together to bemoan the loss of her partially-clothed Twitter account, there's a lesson for ladies to learn:
Men don't give a damn what you look like if you're prepared to take your clothes off.
Seriously. Chances are, we'll still fuck you even if we don't like you.
Monday 28 November 2011
I love to see Guardian readers cry
Not only are they invariably easily-riled but their arguments are usually fatuous, hypercritical nonsense. Once again, someone had the temerity to mention Thatcher on the Guardian website and within moments the ranting had begun.
Now, though I'm a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, I'm not Thatcher's biggest fan. She did some things right, she did some things wrong - whatever. She's actually superfluous to my argument. What's funny is that the left are under this bizarre illusion that the world was full of daisies and snow flakes before May 1979. Which I suppose it was if you ignore the three-day-week, loan from the IMF, widespread union corruption and a prevalence of bad, bad clothing.
In a word, it was Shit - shit being British, shit owning a business, shit trying to get anything the fuck done. So many of the left's movers are shakers - especially the bastion of cuntdom that's sprung up round Whoreditch - are in the fortunate position where they do not remember the 1970s. Fuck, a lot of them have trouble remembering the first CD players. It's just rubbish, recycled musings of knackered unionists who didn't know what they fuck they were talking about thirty years ago, let alone now.
Now, as I said earlier, I'm hardly Thatcher's biggest fan, but one indisputable point stands out. It's the profligacy of the left in the 70s that led to the rise of radical conservatism: the left, in short, are responsible for Thatcher.
In the same way, the tories are also responsible for Blair in 97 - and so the crass merry-go-round of human existence continues.
God, I hate humans.
Now, though I'm a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist, I'm not Thatcher's biggest fan. She did some things right, she did some things wrong - whatever. She's actually superfluous to my argument. What's funny is that the left are under this bizarre illusion that the world was full of daisies and snow flakes before May 1979. Which I suppose it was if you ignore the three-day-week, loan from the IMF, widespread union corruption and a prevalence of bad, bad clothing.
In a word, it was Shit - shit being British, shit owning a business, shit trying to get anything the fuck done. So many of the left's movers are shakers - especially the bastion of cuntdom that's sprung up round Whoreditch - are in the fortunate position where they do not remember the 1970s. Fuck, a lot of them have trouble remembering the first CD players. It's just rubbish, recycled musings of knackered unionists who didn't know what they fuck they were talking about thirty years ago, let alone now.
Now, as I said earlier, I'm hardly Thatcher's biggest fan, but one indisputable point stands out. It's the profligacy of the left in the 70s that led to the rise of radical conservatism: the left, in short, are responsible for Thatcher.
In the same way, the tories are also responsible for Blair in 97 - and so the crass merry-go-round of human existence continues.
God, I hate humans.
Anti-social media
It's hard to say what I hate most about social media, since there are so many potential things that irritate the living fucking shit out of me.
First are the people that tend to use it. Bright, perky young things with over-indulgent parents who like to spread messages of hope and equality. They're the kind of people who wept when Steve Jobs died of ego cancer, or strike up conversations with beggars.
Second is the shit that they invariably spout. A great example I saw on Shitter lately was:
"Everyone is beautiful"
Er... not technically true, is it? If everyone is beautiful, then by definition beautiful is ordinary and therefore by extension, everyone is ordinary. Good observation, cuntchops. Maybe you should stand for mayor so the nutters can have someone to shoot at. If they'd said:
"Everyone is a massive cunt"
then they'd be a lot more on the money. [At least it's true: Islamic fundamentalists hate everyone who's not an Islamic fundamentalist; Christian fundamentalists work by the same logic. Ergo, someone, somewhere, thinks you're a cunt.]
Finally is the fact that they think anyone cares. ("Ahhhh!" I hear you cry. "But what about your indulgent, profane rants?" Well, here's the rub, fucker: I'm probably the only one reading this - and I don't give a sparrow's pissflap.)
I've done a comprehensive survey and nearly all social media is utter bollocks. The remaining 1% are hot teens making out, which I find is nearly (but not quite) worth putting up with the remaining 99%.
If I still haven't convinced you, here's my final argument:
Do you really believe this guy ever had enough friends to bother starting Facebook?
What a cunt.
First are the people that tend to use it. Bright, perky young things with over-indulgent parents who like to spread messages of hope and equality. They're the kind of people who wept when Steve Jobs died of ego cancer, or strike up conversations with beggars.
Second is the shit that they invariably spout. A great example I saw on Shitter lately was:
"Everyone is beautiful"
Er... not technically true, is it? If everyone is beautiful, then by definition beautiful is ordinary and therefore by extension, everyone is ordinary. Good observation, cuntchops. Maybe you should stand for mayor so the nutters can have someone to shoot at. If they'd said:
"Everyone is a massive cunt"
then they'd be a lot more on the money. [At least it's true: Islamic fundamentalists hate everyone who's not an Islamic fundamentalist; Christian fundamentalists work by the same logic. Ergo, someone, somewhere, thinks you're a cunt.]
Finally is the fact that they think anyone cares. ("Ahhhh!" I hear you cry. "But what about your indulgent, profane rants?" Well, here's the rub, fucker: I'm probably the only one reading this - and I don't give a sparrow's pissflap.)
I've done a comprehensive survey and nearly all social media is utter bollocks. The remaining 1% are hot teens making out, which I find is nearly (but not quite) worth putting up with the remaining 99%.
If I still haven't convinced you, here's my final argument:
Do you really believe this guy ever had enough friends to bother starting Facebook?
What a cunt.
Friday 11 November 2011
Love the gays...
But hate their sloganeering. Take this piece of pointless posturing:
Very right on. Very in-your-face. Very we're-here-we're-queer - but what's the fucking point? If you like homosexuals then you won't care. If you hate homosexuals then you'll just be irritated more. If, like me, you don't give a damn who or what someone fucks, then you'll just be left bewildered. It's nothing but a "Ha ha, the law is on our side, we won!" statement. To be honest, I thought stonewall would have had better things on which to spend their money.
Not surprisingly, Facefuck is also getting in on the act. One group I've seen, called Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook <sic> delights in removing so-called Hate pages from the site. Maybe I move in the wrong circles, but I've never seen homophobic pages on Facebook - and if I was the kind of person to go looking for them, would I be put off by a bunch of homos calling me a meanie? Doubtful, very doubtful.
I should explain now that I am wholeheartedly pro-equality - I don't give a rat's ass if you're gay, straight, transgender, transvestite, transatlantic, black, white, asian, inuit, aboriginal. What I do care about is someone telling joe public that it should be more tolerant.
Fuck you. Who are you to tell me what prejudices I may or may not have? If you have the right to express your sexuality, then other people have the right to express their opposition - freedom of speech works two ways, fucker.
As always, it's the vocal ones that make life difficult for others. I have no documentary evidence, but I'm willing to bet that there are millions of homosexuals out there who are sick of being defined by their sexuality. They want to go to work, go home again and fuck who they want without being labelled. By ramming your sexuality down people's throats - no pun intended - all you're doing is alienating the moderates. Do that at your fucking peril.
The one good thing to have come out of all this is this phrase:
Er... Yeah, as it happens.
Very right on. Very in-your-face. Very we're-here-we're-queer - but what's the fucking point? If you like homosexuals then you won't care. If you hate homosexuals then you'll just be irritated more. If, like me, you don't give a damn who or what someone fucks, then you'll just be left bewildered. It's nothing but a "Ha ha, the law is on our side, we won!" statement. To be honest, I thought stonewall would have had better things on which to spend their money.
Not surprisingly, Facefuck is also getting in on the act. One group I've seen, called Wipeout Homophobia on Facebook <sic> delights in removing so-called Hate pages from the site. Maybe I move in the wrong circles, but I've never seen homophobic pages on Facebook - and if I was the kind of person to go looking for them, would I be put off by a bunch of homos calling me a meanie? Doubtful, very doubtful.
I should explain now that I am wholeheartedly pro-equality - I don't give a rat's ass if you're gay, straight, transgender, transvestite, transatlantic, black, white, asian, inuit, aboriginal. What I do care about is someone telling joe public that it should be more tolerant.
Fuck you. Who are you to tell me what prejudices I may or may not have? If you have the right to express your sexuality, then other people have the right to express their opposition - freedom of speech works two ways, fucker.
As always, it's the vocal ones that make life difficult for others. I have no documentary evidence, but I'm willing to bet that there are millions of homosexuals out there who are sick of being defined by their sexuality. They want to go to work, go home again and fuck who they want without being labelled. By ramming your sexuality down people's throats - no pun intended - all you're doing is alienating the moderates. Do that at your fucking peril.
The one good thing to have come out of all this is this phrase:
I WAS BORN GAY.
WERE YOU BORN HATEFUL?
Er... Yeah, as it happens.
Saturday 5 November 2011
Can't say I'm surprised
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-15606278
It's a well known fact that most people from the south west drive like absolute cunts.
Monday 31 October 2011
Bridget Jones is a cunt. Discuss.
ITV put Bridget Jones II on the other night (for what must have been at least the third time this year) and I came to a conclusion that should be inescapable, yet had not occurred to me over the past seven years:
Bridget Jones doesn't deserve the happy ending.
Why? Well, let's see:
She is literally good for fucking, then leaving to drown in tears/to be eaten by alsatians.
Yet, despite all these obvious flaws, people identify with her and love her.
Well here's the news: if you see a bit of Bridget Jones in yourself, you should really try and sort your life out, because you're a fucking loser.
Seriously.
Bridget Jones doesn't deserve the happy ending.
Why? Well, let's see:
- She's so stupid that she's known in PR circles for being stupid. This surely makes her one of the densest human beings in existence.
- She's wracked with insecurities entirely of her own making. "Oh no, I'm so fat - if only I could put down this fork and get my saggy ass on a treadmill". Boo fucking hoo, get over yourself you stupid whore.
- Her friends really are totally and utterly awful; emotional wrecks lacking direction, intellect and awareness - but still she listens to their advice.
- She assumes she deserves a kind, considerate and preferably rich boyfriend. She doesn't - she has nothing to offer aside from cellulite, neuroses and a well-used vagina.
She is literally good for fucking, then leaving to drown in tears/to be eaten by alsatians.
Yet, despite all these obvious flaws, people identify with her and love her.
Well here's the news: if you see a bit of Bridget Jones in yourself, you should really try and sort your life out, because you're a fucking loser.
Seriously.
Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 3
Surely the third winner has to be Zoosk, the site where boring, overweight women go to mingle with sexual predators.
Luckily for us, Zoosk has given us plenty of ammo. Check out each and every one of their irritating offerings on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/user/zoosk
Now, most of them aren't very funny - which believe it or not, I can live with. In the grand scheme of things, not much is actually funny, and even then some things that are funny now will probably not be funny in years to come. To prove it, I have some lists:
Things that were funny once but are now annoying
Things that are funny now, but will be annoying in the future
Things that will always be funny
Things that are not, were not, nor ever will be funny
As I said however, I can let this go.
What I can't let go is when adverts don't make sense. Take this pitiful example:
So, to summarise the plot:
1. Hot Girl has Office Crush
2. Hot Girl seduces Office Crush by letting her hair down
3. Hot Girl and Office Crush fuck in the copyroom.
Er... So why the fuck does she need a dating site? At what point did the plan not live up to her expectation? Does Office Crush suffer from erectile dysfunction? Didn't look like it. Maybe he shits himself on achieving orgasm.
I don't know what the fuck's going on with their perverted voyeuristic colleagues either. If I knew my coworkers were going at it hammer and tongs in the next room, I'd be too embarrassed to still be there when they came out, stinking of sweat and spunk (And the "British" dub makes even less sense than the American one).
All in all, I feel there is only one reasonable conclusion:
This advert is made by cunts for cunts.
Luckily for us, Zoosk has given us plenty of ammo. Check out each and every one of their irritating offerings on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/user/zoosk
Now, most of them aren't very funny - which believe it or not, I can live with. In the grand scheme of things, not much is actually funny, and even then some things that are funny now will probably not be funny in years to come. To prove it, I have some lists:
Things that were funny once but are now annoying
- Bill Hicks
- Gilbert & Sullivan
- Carry On Films
Things that are funny now, but will be annoying in the future
- How I Met Your Mother
- Mock The Week
- Total Wipeout
Things that will always be funny
- Old people falling over
- Pull My Finger
- Leprosy
Things that are not, were not, nor ever will be funny
- Shakespeare
- Jon Stewart
- Zoosk commercials
As I said however, I can let this go.
What I can't let go is when adverts don't make sense. Take this pitiful example:
So, to summarise the plot:
1. Hot Girl has Office Crush
2. Hot Girl seduces Office Crush by letting her hair down
3. Hot Girl and Office Crush fuck in the copyroom.
Er... So why the fuck does she need a dating site? At what point did the plan not live up to her expectation? Does Office Crush suffer from erectile dysfunction? Didn't look like it. Maybe he shits himself on achieving orgasm.
I don't know what the fuck's going on with their perverted voyeuristic colleagues either. If I knew my coworkers were going at it hammer and tongs in the next room, I'd be too embarrassed to still be there when they came out, stinking of sweat and spunk (And the "British" dub makes even less sense than the American one).
All in all, I feel there is only one reasonable conclusion:
This advert is made by cunts for cunts.
Monday 24 October 2011
Politics comes down to one question
Do you think you can spend your money better than your government can?
There is no "correct" answer of course; politics is as subjective, fickle and self-interested as the human race.
There is no "correct" answer of course; politics is as subjective, fickle and self-interested as the human race.
Sunday 23 October 2011
Adverts that make my shit hang sideways - Part 2
The second award goes to the new Citroen ad - the one with the bald man at the petrol station and the cunt with the pugs.
I'm going to ignore the fact that this an advert for a French car; though the product may be shit, it doesn't necessarily follow that the advert should be.
First, it's trading on computer-animated animals to sell an unrelated product. Tell me who, if they're not completely honest, hasn't had enough of fucking meerkats? The goodwill holiday is over, the ahh-factor has expired. It's not cute anymore.
Second, is the irritating fucker delivering the monologue. His stream of meaningless fuck-witted cunt-banter sets my fucking teeth on edge - if this guy came up to you on the street you'd strike him without hesitation.
I'm sure there are more things that annoy me, but the rugby world cup final's on.
So fuck it.
I'm going to ignore the fact that this an advert for a French car; though the product may be shit, it doesn't necessarily follow that the advert should be.
First, it's trading on computer-animated animals to sell an unrelated product. Tell me who, if they're not completely honest, hasn't had enough of fucking meerkats? The goodwill holiday is over, the ahh-factor has expired. It's not cute anymore.
Second, is the irritating fucker delivering the monologue. His stream of meaningless fuck-witted cunt-banter sets my fucking teeth on edge - if this guy came up to you on the street you'd strike him without hesitation.
I'm sure there are more things that annoy me, but the rugby world cup final's on.
So fuck it.
Thursday 20 October 2011
The difference between love and hate...
is the amount of effort to shoot down an argument of a left-winger.
Example:
I love people like Tony Benn. As Matthew Paris once said - and I'm paraphrasing slightly - "He's a politician of unquestionable intelligence and integrity. However, just about everything he's ever said is wrong."
I hate people like Bob Crow. As Matthew Paris did almost certainly not say (but I'm willing to bet he's thought it) "He's one of the most odious, greedy and hypocritical cunts ever to be born in the UK. Please put him in charge for a day so the public will be clamouring for Thatcher's return."
I've put the difference into an equation:
Gentleman + Idiocy = Friendly duffer
Scum + Idiocy = Twat (and I mean that in the literal sense; a smelly, sweaty hole)
I've just seen someone - probably the kind of slack-brained fuck-jaws currently encamped by St Paul's - use the phrase "take the money out of politics".
What I've done is to take that phrase and feed it into our patented 'stupid-o-meter' - and here are the results...
Congratulations! You're a twat of the first order. Help yourself to a razor and put yourself out of our misery.
Let's take a moment to analyse that statement. "Take the money out of politics". Er, do you mean the front end or the back end? Not that it really matters - both ideas are, to quote Aristotle, "ramblings of a fucking bell-end."
First things fucking first - the front end:
You pay MPs pittance and soon no fucker can afford to stand - apart, of course, from the very rich, or trade union puppets. Suddenly your golden image of democracy isn't so fucking shiny is it? No, of course MPs should not get so much that the money is a direct incentive to seek election - but it shouldn't be a disincentive either.
Remember also that polarised forces tend to result in extreme consequences - the last time Europe had such adversarial forces at work, we ended up having two fucking world wars. [Not that I give a shit - if my call-up papers came tomorrow I'd do my duty like a man, not hide in the shadows like a whining bitch.]
And now, the back end.
The primary role of government - above health, education, policing, infrastructure - is to defend the nation from attack from a foreign aggressor. If you can't do that, you don't have a nation. The requires money, which forms the second role of government - taxation.
QED, money plays a pretty fucking significant part in this whole scheme. Take it away and suddenly all you're left with is a massive group of tent-dwelling cunts filling our capital with their utterly ill-conceived nonsense.
The thing that bugs me most is that these people fail to understand that, despite the problems we're currently going through, this is still the best time to live in history. Anyone who hankers after a golden age where nothing bad ever happens needs to take off the rose-tinted fucking lenses.
In 2011 you're less likely to die before the age of 5 than your ancestors of a century ago. You're more likely to have access to clean water, food, education, the protection of the law. You're more likely to have the right to protest in relative peace and practice your religion free from persecution. (Unless you happen to be a Jew living in a Muslim country. Good luck getting the support of the left on that set of double-fucking standards)
As I've shown in this post, any fucker can whinge. If you really want to change the world, get off your stoned fucking ass and do it.
Example:
I love people like Tony Benn. As Matthew Paris once said - and I'm paraphrasing slightly - "He's a politician of unquestionable intelligence and integrity. However, just about everything he's ever said is wrong."
I hate people like Bob Crow. As Matthew Paris did almost certainly not say (but I'm willing to bet he's thought it) "He's one of the most odious, greedy and hypocritical cunts ever to be born in the UK. Please put him in charge for a day so the public will be clamouring for Thatcher's return."
I've put the difference into an equation:
Gentleman + Idiocy = Friendly duffer
Scum + Idiocy = Twat (and I mean that in the literal sense; a smelly, sweaty hole)
I've just seen someone - probably the kind of slack-brained fuck-jaws currently encamped by St Paul's - use the phrase "take the money out of politics".
What I've done is to take that phrase and feed it into our patented 'stupid-o-meter' - and here are the results...
Congratulations! You're a twat of the first order. Help yourself to a razor and put yourself out of our misery.
Let's take a moment to analyse that statement. "Take the money out of politics". Er, do you mean the front end or the back end? Not that it really matters - both ideas are, to quote Aristotle, "ramblings of a fucking bell-end."
First things fucking first - the front end:
You pay MPs pittance and soon no fucker can afford to stand - apart, of course, from the very rich, or trade union puppets. Suddenly your golden image of democracy isn't so fucking shiny is it? No, of course MPs should not get so much that the money is a direct incentive to seek election - but it shouldn't be a disincentive either.
Remember also that polarised forces tend to result in extreme consequences - the last time Europe had such adversarial forces at work, we ended up having two fucking world wars. [Not that I give a shit - if my call-up papers came tomorrow I'd do my duty like a man, not hide in the shadows like a whining bitch.]
And now, the back end.
The primary role of government - above health, education, policing, infrastructure - is to defend the nation from attack from a foreign aggressor. If you can't do that, you don't have a nation. The requires money, which forms the second role of government - taxation.
QED, money plays a pretty fucking significant part in this whole scheme. Take it away and suddenly all you're left with is a massive group of tent-dwelling cunts filling our capital with their utterly ill-conceived nonsense.
The thing that bugs me most is that these people fail to understand that, despite the problems we're currently going through, this is still the best time to live in history. Anyone who hankers after a golden age where nothing bad ever happens needs to take off the rose-tinted fucking lenses.
In 2011 you're less likely to die before the age of 5 than your ancestors of a century ago. You're more likely to have access to clean water, food, education, the protection of the law. You're more likely to have the right to protest in relative peace and practice your religion free from persecution. (Unless you happen to be a Jew living in a Muslim country. Good luck getting the support of the left on that set of double-fucking standards)
As I've shown in this post, any fucker can whinge. If you really want to change the world, get off your stoned fucking ass and do it.
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Monday 17 October 2011
Adverts that make my shit hang sideways
Part 1. John Lewis
You know the one - the montage of irritating fuckers listening to music throughout the last fifty years. For those of you lucky enough to have missed this festering piece of fucking shit, here it is:
Everything about this advert gets up my fucking arsehole.
The white kid dancing with the black kid in the street. The cafe where it's smokey even though there's no-one smoking. The fat teacher with the shit-eating grin. The woman on the lilo listening to Sade.
Let me be clear:
FUCK SADE.
And then at the end - a couple of chavs listening to generic pop shite before trying to get off - all whilst their hairy, mannish mother lurks in the background.
John Lewis is one of the few chain stores where you can be fairly sure about the quality of their stock - but I hate this advert so much, I'm almost tempted to impose a permanent self-boycott. This pains me, for they sell decent rugby shirts and reasonably elegant furniture - but if I hear fucking #Smooth operator# one more time, I'm going to take my fat wallet elsewhere .
You know the one - the montage of irritating fuckers listening to music throughout the last fifty years. For those of you lucky enough to have missed this festering piece of fucking shit, here it is:
Everything about this advert gets up my fucking arsehole.
The white kid dancing with the black kid in the street. The cafe where it's smokey even though there's no-one smoking. The fat teacher with the shit-eating grin. The woman on the lilo listening to Sade.
Let me be clear:
FUCK SADE.
And then at the end - a couple of chavs listening to generic pop shite before trying to get off - all whilst their hairy, mannish mother lurks in the background.
John Lewis is one of the few chain stores where you can be fairly sure about the quality of their stock - but I hate this advert so much, I'm almost tempted to impose a permanent self-boycott. This pains me, for they sell decent rugby shirts and reasonably elegant furniture - but if I hear fucking #Smooth operator# one more time, I'm going to take my fat wallet elsewhere .
God works in mysterious ways
Though sometimes His motives are far more transparent:
"[David Croft] created a television pilot in 2007, entitled Here Comes The Queen, with Jeremy Lloyd. This pilot starred Wendy Richard and Les Dennis, but because of Wendy Richard's death the show never went to a full series."
Talk about the nick of time, eh? It's just a pity he didn't come to claim Messrs. Perry and Croft before Hi-de-cunting-Hi!
"[David Croft] created a television pilot in 2007, entitled Here Comes The Queen, with Jeremy Lloyd. This pilot starred Wendy Richard and Les Dennis, but because of Wendy Richard's death the show never went to a full series."
Talk about the nick of time, eh? It's just a pity he didn't come to claim Messrs. Perry and Croft before Hi-de-cunting-Hi!
Hey, I got you a present
"Yeah, it's season 7 of Waterloo Road!"
"Er, thanks... it'll go nicely with the Birds Of A Feather box set you bought me last year."
I mean holy living fuck man, who in God's name actually buys this fucking shit?
Let's overlook the fact that it makes Two Pints of Piss and a Packet of Johnnies look like fucking Tolstoy. Let's even overlook the fact that it stars Amanda Burton, whose acting has been linked to a long string of suicides. What genuinely confuses me is that people buy DVDs for the replay value - because you think you'll want to watch it again and again in the years to come.
The Godfather trilogy? Awesome. Mad Men? I get it. Even the Friends boxed set possesses some degree of nostalgic, kitsch quality that just about justifies its existence. What went through the minds of the BBC when they committed this to disc? Who exactly did they think wanted repeat viewings of a drama set in a shitty comp?
The only thing I am sure of is this: If you're unlucky enough to find a copy of Waterloo Road under your tree on Christmas morning, someone is trying to convey a strong, yet simple message.
"Merry fucking Christmas - you massive cunt".
"Er, thanks... it'll go nicely with the Birds Of A Feather box set you bought me last year."
I mean holy living fuck man, who in God's name actually buys this fucking shit?
Let's overlook the fact that it makes Two Pints of Piss and a Packet of Johnnies look like fucking Tolstoy. Let's even overlook the fact that it stars Amanda Burton, whose acting has been linked to a long string of suicides. What genuinely confuses me is that people buy DVDs for the replay value - because you think you'll want to watch it again and again in the years to come.
The Godfather trilogy? Awesome. Mad Men? I get it. Even the Friends boxed set possesses some degree of nostalgic, kitsch quality that just about justifies its existence. What went through the minds of the BBC when they committed this to disc? Who exactly did they think wanted repeat viewings of a drama set in a shitty comp?
The only thing I am sure of is this: If you're unlucky enough to find a copy of Waterloo Road under your tree on Christmas morning, someone is trying to convey a strong, yet simple message.
"Merry fucking Christmas - you massive cunt".
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